Do you ever find that you spend your day being kind to others, making space for their feelings, doing what you can to make things easier for them, but you don’t speak to yourself in the same way? A lot of people fall into this without realising it.
Kindness becomes something that you offer outward, and it’s easy to forget that the same approach can be turned inward.
It’s not usually deliberate. It can develop through habits, routine or simply because your attention is always on what the people around you need. You might notice it in how you talk to yourself when you’re tired, how you perhaps downplay your own feelings because someone else seems to need the space more.
How you expect yourself to cope on your own, even when you’d never expect someone else to carry everything without support. And there are many reasons that this can develop. One common reason is that people just get used to looking after others and forget that they’re allowed the same care. Another is that life has been busy for so long that you don’t pause long enough to consider how you’re treating yourself.
For some, it is simply that being considerate of others comes so naturally, while being considerate of yourself has never crossed your mind, and none of this obviously means that you’re doing anything wrong. It often means that you’ve been trying your best for a long time and when you start noticing the difference between how you treat others and how you treat yourself, that awareness alone can begin to shift things. You can start by perhaps asking a question of yourself, like, if I discovered that someone I cared about, spoke to themselves, the way I speak to myself, what would I say to them? Not to obviously push yourself to feel differently straight away, but to remind yourself that you are included in the same circle of care you offer so freely to others, no pressure, just the beginning of treating yourself with the same understanding that you already know how to give. When you start noticing that pattern, perhaps you’ll also notice how draining it can be. Perhaps you find yourself feeling tired, even on days that should feel easy, or perhaps you feel as though something inside is just stretched thin, even if nothing obvious has happened. When you spend so much time showing up for others, it can create an ongoing pull on your attention and energy.
You’re constantly aware of what people need, what they might be feeling, and most of the time you do it automatically, you don’t question it, you just carry on the way you always have, but inside, it can leave very little room for you. You end up supporting everyone else while expecting yourself just to cope alone, you are used to putting yourself last without noticing, and the longer that this goes on, the easier it becomes to lose sight of your own needs. Perhaps you feel guilty for resting, or you hesitate to ask for help or tell yourself that what you feel isn’t important enough to slow down for. And over time, that can leave you feeling disconnected from yourself without really realising why. It can make you more vulnerable to stress, because you carry so much, without allowing yourself the same support that you’d naturally give to everyone else, and that can show up in ways like feeling overwhelmed more quickly, struggling to switch off, finding it hard to feel settled or present, or simply feeling tired in a way that sleep just doesn’t resolve. But none of this is fixed, and none of it means that you have to suddenly become someone different.
It’s often just about making small changes, where you perhaps pause long enough to notice how you are speaking to yourself, where you choose to include yourself in the care that you so naturally offer to others. You may find it helpful to begin perhaps, when you make mistakes, just noticing the first thoughts that come up.
Notice the tone that you use with yourself, and then ask yourself something like, what would you say if a friend or a family member came to you with the same worry? You don’t want to pretend that everything is fine, you just want to give yourself the same steadiness that you’d offer to anyone else.
Perhaps you notice at the end of a day, instead of listing everything you didn’t get done, you can simply acknowledge that you did your best with the energy, time, and circumstances that you had. You’d have no trouble saying that to someone else, so you can practice saying it to yourself.
Perhaps you find that setting some boundaries is helpful, not as a way of shutting people out, obviously, but as a way of just making sure that you consider yourself. Saying no when you’re already stretched. Taking a break when you feel yourself perhaps slipping into exhaustion, allowing yourself to matter in the same way that the people around you matter to you. These pieces all add up, they create a sense of balance inside you. One that doesn’t rely on perfection or forced positivity, just a realistic recognition of your own humanity. And with time, perhaps you notice something interesting happening that the kindness you’ve always offered outward, begins to feel like something that you can hold, not necessarily always perfectly, not maybe even every day at first, but gradually you can begin to stop jumping straight to self-criticism. You pause more. You can listen to yourself more. You can make room for your own feelings. In the same way that you make room for others, and when you do, perhaps you find that you become a steadier presence for the people that you care about because you’re no longer running on empty, you’re no longer overlooking yourself.
You’re participating in the same compassion you’ve always known how to give. Just adding to it moments of awareness, small choices to include yourself. Reminders that you are human, you’re deserving of care, you’re allowed to be supported. You don’t have to get it right all at once, but you can start here with noticing, with asking yourself the same questions you’d ask if someone you love spoke to themselves the way you sometimes speak to yourself. And over time, those small steps can begin to add up. They can create a way of moving through the world that can feel kinder and more grounded, a way of living that leaves space for you, too.
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